The Undeniable Upside of Handkerchiefs

I am European. That means a few things. I wear my wedding ring on my right hand, even though my wife is still alive. I judge people harshly when not ordering mayo with their French fries. I once picked my mother-in-law for dinner on a Vespa. When someone asks me, "how are you," I tell them. One of my close friends is a ping pong robot. And most importantly, I am a heavy user of cotton handkerchiefs.

Look, I know you don't get the mayo obsession, and that's ok. You keep doing your ketchup thing, and I will not judge you until behind closed doors.

But America, please listen to me.

Use handkerchiefs.

Here is why.

1. Using a ton of paper Kleenex to blow your nose is just too wasteful. There are more satisfying ways to be environmentally unsustainable than blowing your nose.
2. You can blow much harder with a cotton handkerchief. I am not saying that's good for you, but this is a fact.
3. When you forget a handkerchief in your pant pocket and wash them, you just killed two birds with one stone. Fact.
4. You can clean other messes with the handkerchief. Just don't let anyone see you when you're wiping the dining table with your used handkerchief.

All rightful enthusiasm aside, please don't put a used handkerchief as decor in your chest pocket. It doesn't go over well, even when you're European.

Trust me.